Fictie | A Good Man

The Doctor. That’s what people call me. What I call myself. The Daleks call me The Oncoming Storm. River Song calls me sweety. That’s all well and good. One has to have a name, right?

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But what is a name if one doesn’t know who or what he is? I asked Clara if I’m a Good Man. She told me she didn’t know. In another lifetime things were much simpler. Saving the world with a kettle and some string. But the losses of recent lifetimes have made me jaded. I have changed more times than I dare to remember. I have lived many lives, and not all of them were good.

Maybe I’m not a good man. Sometimes I fear I’m losing touch with that side of me. The good side.
I have been so many things. Old, young, cranky, mysterious, lighthearted, war-torn… From the moment I ran away from Gallifrey I have tried to do what’s best. And mostly it worked. I saved planets, defended the earth countless of times. I saw the universe in all it’s wonders. Saved the universe more times than I can remember.

“Over a thousand years of saving the universe, there is one thing I’ve learned: the universe doesn’t care.”

Still, winning isn’t everything. I lost just as much. I lost Rose to a parallel world. Martha left. Donna can’t remember me. Amy and Rory are stuck in another time. Even Clara… I sometimes wonder how much she can take before she breaks. She sacrificed herself in order to save from the Great Intelligence, losing Danny Pink to Missy’s plotting…

I live for the good days. The days where I am able save them all. That is what keeps me going. The people. Those silly humans with their short lives. I see their future and I can’t help but be awed. Their resilience, their strength is amazing. I became their unofficial defender. And sometimes even official. But I am not an officer or president. I just try to inspire by doing what is right. And it worked. Look at U.N.I.T. My old friend the brigadier worked wonders. Torchwood was brilliant after Captain Jack took over. Even good old Sarah Jane. I still feel guilty now and then over leaving her. But at the same time I am so proud to see what she has become in my absence.
My friends have always been the best of me.

Perhaps there’s one thing I’ve learned recently. Or maybe It was always there and I just forgot.

I am not a good man. And I’m not a bad man. I am not a hero. […] You know what I am? I am an idiot! With a box and a screwdriver, passing through, helping out, learning.

Clara was right when she said the sound of the TARDIS brings hope. Even the humming I hear while sitting here brings peace. Who knows what’s yet to come? A new regeneration cycle, new adventures… I don’t know, but for the first time in many years, instead of running from it, I’m looking forward to it.

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